In the silence of night...

Right now...I just wanna borrow this blog's shoulder to cry...

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FEELING

Feel. 

Angry. Disappointed. Mad. Pity. Remorse. Regret. Hideous. Dissatisfaction. Bad. Naughty. Happy. Delightful. Blessed. Thankful. Loved. In doubt. 

There are some of feeling listed on top. As saying, there are thousands of feeling in this world; either it is describable or indescribable. As much as kind of feeling existed, however, not everyone could feel and really appreciate the presence of the feeling right? It is not something big but the significance can’t be ignored just like that. For me, although it is not something that one could make a fuss over it, in my opinion however, state different. Feeling makes you feel human.

After living 23 years in this world, one of the thing that I’m grateful for is; being able to feel. I have gone through lots of things, I have been in so many situation and I have seen so many things that I think not all people can experience it. And for whatever had happened to me, either it is a bad thing or one way another, I’m grateful for it. How do I say this huh? Being able to feel whatever silver lining hiding behind any situation makes me understand whatever they are being through. I could really understand the pain and the hidden, surpressed feeling of the heart. It made me transforms myself into a new person; a person who can put myself in other’s shoe.

I feel delightful when I can understand why people drive slowly on the main road. 

Why? I don’t know. There are so many reasons leading to the answer of that question. Maybe he is tired, driving after not sleeping for 32 hours? Driving after being drained and exhausted? Maybe he doesn’t have any confidence yet to drive swiftly. Maybe he has something going on in this mind and he needs time to think. Before this, before I could understand this, I always hate those kind of people. I would tell myself, ‘if you wanna have a drive, go driving along the beach.’ ‘if you wanna drive slowly and tired, can u just rest at home?’ 

Having those kind of thoughts before, I found myself shameful and pitiful and rude and beyond immature. What kind of human I am, I feel so bad and selfish. People do thing because of reason, now only I could understand the clause. 

Before, when I heard a friend is hating someone else because of certain reason, I would hate the ‘hated’ person too without understanding them or hear the problem from both sides. Now when I have grown, I always have this thought, PEOPLE DO THINGS FOR REASON. Yesterday, my friend told me story of her friends who were being bitch towards someone else who didn’t finish/do their group work. She claimed the friends didn’t have to be bitch just because the other one didn’t do the tasks. Thinking the solution, I can’t say A is wrong and B is right or way around. The only way to avoid this situation is; YOU JUST DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO. A- the being-bitch person, is a type of people who finished her work on time. She is the type of one who put work before personal affairs. B- the victim, think she didn’t deserve such treatment because she also had something going on that’s why she couldn’t finish the task. For me, this shouldn’t even be a problem if you compromise. I was the person who had been in the situation for my whole life, so, I could understand whatever is going on. I am the type of person who do my best for any assignment or task, because it’s related to my work. So, even though I am not the type who could finish it early, but I do not ever, ever, ever, even in my death, do my task with E-rated or cincai lah in bahasa yang senang. I admit that I cant do work awal2, but when I did it, I really do it and if I were to work with someone who do his/her work cincai-cincai, siaplah engkau. Memang kau kene makan dengan panahan berapi aku. Because for me, you shouldn’t compromise with work, it’s your job, either you like it or not, you HAVE to do it. It’s your responsibility. Now, telling you, I have worked with someone who is bossy about finishing tasks before due. I know she is that type of people and I know I don’t like to do any work as soon as possible, but I knew I had to do it because I HAD TO. There’s no other reason. Unless, you want to annoy the person and submit it late. Hey, walk out la from creating problem, just finish whatever you need to do and you can live peacefully, if you feel wronged in any way, just do whatever you can to avoid any internal conflict which doesn’t even worth your energy. 

The point is, I have felt lots of things that people sometimes didn’t see it and it makes me so grateful to being able to understand those kind of things. Some people are too blind to see whatever is happening in front of their eyes and they keep blaming people for not being able to act like they did because they are ignorant; they cannot understand people, they do not understand the difficulty of ones and those people are the people you should have pity on. They would complain so many things and pitifully, they make themselves look stupid and immature and too blind to see into people.

One of greatest thing I wanna thank Allah is the gift of being able to feel even the smallest feeling. For that gift, I am able to understand people, have pity on people and being able to share the feeling of others. I am grateful to see hatred of other, because it reminds me of not doing the same to people. I am grateful to see love in someone’s eyes, it makes me feel encourage. I am grateful to understand other’s pain, so that I can smile to them and relieve a tiny burden of theirs. 

O Lord, I am grateful. 

Thank You.

Allah The Almighty, for this special gift.

rolled up tongue

I wanted to write my thesis but so many things have been going on in my mind right now. Yesterday, when I arrived at Paloh, I wanted to resume my thesis writing, but in between, I got frustrated because I couldn’t think straight. The house was so noisy with thunder-like conversation between the families. I barely finish my Dedication writing- see- that so much easy writing yet it took almost 30 minutes. So, I decided to just go to bed and had an early wake-up around 3 a.m.

Afterward, I did my research and reading and others checking-up things until late at 9 a.m. Then, I tried to have some sleep but my sister insisted to go to kampong Nyior straight away. Agreed, I took my bath to freshen up and then drove for almost 2 hours. Arriving home with so much sleepiness taken over my soul, my mom asked me, ‘At what time you’re going back tomorrow,’ when I was about to sleep. I knew she wanted to go shopping, buying some groceries and other stuffs. I wanted to go back tonight as I wanted to finish my thesis which resulted I brought her to the mall that very afternoon. Four hours passed and the driving really drove me exhausted till I couldn’t even speak no more. I think if I were to speak one word, I would collapse straight away.

When everything was settled, I lied down to sleep but being sucked to dreamland wasn’t easy. So I browsed my phone to get the drowsiness to take over. It was late at 4 I believed I fell asleep and pitifully, it didn’t drown me for long as I was woken to the sound of the worst thunderstorm I’d ever experienced before. It was so loud and the lightning was so scary, I felt like when the thunder stroke, the earth shaken. Really, I wasn’t joking. In the hallucinatingplusdrowsy-state, I still could think straight as I threw my phone far away from me in case the lightning would strike it and it would result my death.

Typically, I closed my eyes in somnolence but I wasn’t taken back to sleep. And at 7 my sister again thundered me to wake up! It was so annoying because I couldn’t sleep and my mind mentally conversed in infuriatedly. “I KNOW WHEN I SHOULD WAKE UP, )(*&^%$#@#$%^&*!!.” “I WASN’T EVEN SLEEPING<@#$%^&*()(*&^%$!!!!”

But I knew they wont stop disturbing my peaceful zombie-like condition unless I woke up which annoying I did. I searched for a drink and guessed what, they prepared ‘SIRAP BANDUNG’ which was NEVER, EVER, EVER my favourite drink. I just hated that drink I would rather drink plain water but to think of my mother’s feeling, I served myself a glass of iced tea and waited on the stairs alone, accompanied with my sleepiness. So, after I drank it, I went back to sleep.

The most annoying part was, when they finished eating, they came to the place that I lied down and I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO SLEEP YET AT THAT TIME!! As usual, the thunder-like conversation took over the surrounding and I was so annoyed I wanna kill myself at that time. WHY CANT THEY UNDERSTAND HOW TIRED I AM????

They talked in so many way wronged me. And my bloody sister put up a very loud song at my ear! I was so annoyed I woke up and gone mad! I thundered in madness, “YOU EVEN DISTURBED ME LAST NIGHT,” (referred to last night’ situation) and walked to my sister’s room.

I was so mad I cried. I don’t know I cried but I was so furious that they didn’t know how tired I was and how worried I was with my thesis. I felt like they didn’t even give a damn about my life and I was so mad. After that I slept straight away because I didn’t want to think of any other damn thing and woke up at 11 I think.

My head kept thinking of how I cried just now. I don’t know. I really feel like why cant they understand me a bit. I even tell them how hectic and troublesome my life was as I needed to complete my study 2 months early because of that damned system. I even tell them that I had to finish my thesis by Monday. I just cant understand of why they didn’t seem like they care if I had to struggle and need some rest. I am tired. I didn’t even eat yesterday. At sahur or berbuka. I just drink iced milk tea and plain water.

Can you just trust of whatever I am doing?

All I could do is sigh

Funny when people can pinpoint your weaknesses but try to hide theirs well in the hidden treasure box.

You don't need to actually say this person is bad, tell the whole world what you know about someone, pinpoint all the things that you think you can embarrass someone else in front of others...jut because you don't like him/her...just because you think the person doesn't deserve of anything better than you.

People also have their own limit of patience in anything. How far do you think you need to provoke someone?
Just because you think you are better.
or...
Maybe because you think he/she needs to be taught a lesson for hurting you.
or...
Maybe because you are jealous of what he/she has that you didn't have and you are dying to have the things he/she has because you feel that he/she doesn't deserve that luxury.

Do not think that when people keep their mouth silence, they are too stupid to realise what you have done to him/her.
Do not think that when people ignore your wrongdoings towards them, you think they are just another fools that you can keep fooling and step onto.

Maybe you don't know, they are just tired of your bullshit.
or maybe, you are still meant something, even though you are shitting them.

Do you really need to hurt them? Just to get to your on vendetta?
Does it really worth it?

Please...stop everything..of this

So What?

EDU3093: Teachers and current issues. Lecturer: Mr.Md Nordin. Date: 24/06/2015

A day to remember. Yeah, that’s what I wanna say about my class today. It has been a while since I found a meaning, a satisfaction to be in a class. And gladly, in his class, I found the light that somehow makes my path illuminated. Before, science class with Madam Mahani, I also found myself happy to be in her lecture. Why? What is the similarity between these two great lecturers?

The answer is: they make you think.

Yeah. That is my honest answer. In Madam Mahani, she always forced us to think the unthinkable, pushed us to go beyond our comfort zone. I love it damn much when my brain is forced to think what I couldn’t try before. At least, my brain is working in her class, unlike others when you are just given input, input, input and that’s all thank you type of class.

The same goes with Mr.Md Nordin class. The way he explains things, it makes me reflect back of my own practical teaching and the way I conduct my life as a teacher. He just uses a simple method, ‘SO WHAT?’ formula. When he out of nowhere asked the question, instantly it knocked my down to my gut. ‘So What?’ Wow…I just can’t believe how strong the blow is.

Maybe for others, it is simply just another question that can be left unanswered. However for me, it makes me feel like a coward if I can’t answer that simple Q.

Before, I always questioned myself of why my students didn’t show any interest in my lesson. I said ‘they didn’t care enough of me, my teaching.’

SO WHAT?

I asked myself as I reflected back the situation.

So what? So what if they didn’t give a rat’s ass of me? Is that their fault? Or the fault is actually mine?

I said ‘I don’t know anymore how to teach them.’

So what? So what if they misbehaved? Am I gonna give up? Am I gonna change my profession? Am I going to ignore them as they ignore me?

Then…

SH*T!!!!

I am a trash. It’s my fault. I didn’t try enough.

That’s the answer of the ‘so whats’.

*sigh*

See? Before ‘so what’ happens, I always blame the students for my mistake. I thought that I had tried hard but I realized it’s not enough. Why am I always blame them, despise them whereby I couldn’t even accept that I have done wrong. Oh god, my ego is sure as big as the Mount Everest.

So, this so what has somehow changed me a bit, I believe.

Mr. Nordin also said about ‘Go Beyond’ in everything we’ve done. What does he mean is, we do not need to be ‘overboard’ or ‘pushover’, instead, we just need to do a little bit more effort to little things that we might have missed. For instance, just ask your students whether they are sleepy or their condition.

In my class, I have always focused on certain people that I think they have potential to go further if they tried a.k.a budak-budak yang memang dah pandai so called. But I seldom put myself in a place of the other ordinary kids where they need my attention too. I forget that they also need to be shown this little effort so that their motivation can be boost. I forgot that once upon a time, I was that little ‘average girl’, tiny little human who scared enough to try to do anything because I thought everybody else was better than me and I am just a little cockroach who nobody would give any single d**n about me.

So, if anybody would ever read this entry, I would like you to ask yourself this four Qs before you do anything.

1. WHAT IS?

2. WHY?

3. HOW TO?

4. SO WHAT?

I hereby admit my mistakes that I have done before. I am not a good teacher yet. No, I am not.  

Power of Reflection, you say?

While in my EDU class this afternoon, I was introduced to a blog- a blog of ex-IPGians. I didn’t manage to read what he has written in his blog, but my eyes caught a very interesting phrase : Power of Reflection. It knocked something inside me and I have decided to write something in my own blog to…you know, to do a little bit reflection of my life so far. Actually, I have been trying to write, I have left my keyboard like a year ago, because of something. I have tried to persuade myself to keep writing, but I didn’t manage to find the courage to do so. Like always, I run away from it. Typical of me- a coward.

So, now, I have made up my mind. I promise I would write- to do a bit of reflection of my daily life so I could keep myself in check. You know I have no one that I could call ‘soul friend’, ‘half-sister’ they say. I have none, so, I hereby want this blog to be something that helps me improving myself, in hope that future will be a little brighten by the mistakes I recognize.

It is already 2.36 a.m. now. I need to iron the Baju Kurung or watch Naruto. I don’t know.

See you again tomorrow.

Lotsalove…

....

It is not easy for me.
Everything has been hard, too hard actually.
Every day, my opened eyes see you.
Every night, my sleepy mind visualises you.
It has been hard, for I knew it all along, having bonded will somehow hurt.
But I still continue, continue being hard-headed.
I'm ignoring my conscious mind.
I'm following my ruthless heart.
Because I want to miss you.
Because I dont wanna allow you to be swept away by time.
And now...what i've afraid the most, my worst nightmare has shown its sting.
Hahahahahahaha.
Now i can just laugh for my own stupidness.
What am i expecting...
How can I be so stupid?
You have your own life.
You have your own way.
I have no position in interfering your way.
I know that.
But I dont know why it hurts.
Maybe because you throw me away...just because you have someone else with you there..

I AM FLYING WITHOUT WINGS

Finally, this is the only time where i got the chance to write about my loveliessssss . I got class at 12 so, i got nothing to do for the next two hours, and here i am, writing what i should have written for loooooong time ago.

My 3-month-practicum has been successfully ended and hell yeah- i am more than happy but, i feel crappier than ever. i am relieved that i got to turn my back to thoseee unpleasant creatures but now, when i think about it, i got to lose something precious for me, which are, the smiles of my students and the unexpected conversations from those i cherished. Undoubtedly, i miss teaching my zombie 4 IS and the most naughtiest 3 IS. This is what mama had said to both munee and i- she said that we are going to miss the 3 months memories, and that is damn right.

I miss it when munee and i were both arrived at parking lot, the images of baby or comel came straight into our eyes. we cant help from smiling like a fool. yeah, we are a fool to them! how to resist these two monsters?? they are tooooo adorb! and how could we resist to feel happy when we saw a glimpse of sweetheart passing through, whats more unbearable is if he is smiling to us!! OH MY GADDDDD!! it was a bless in disguise, like seriously, in the hellish school, at least there were these three angels that would make our day better. and that not includes Salman, he is sooooo cheekyyyy i wanna squeezzzeeeee him until his eyeballs popped out from his sockets. he is too cute la. no, the way that he treats us like,, we are his friends and we have mutual understanding. even though he treats us like that, he still knows the line of teacher and student, unlike some others. and i miss talking to my girls and tease them about their 'so-called-boyfriend'. (mata ke atas, tangan ke bahu). hahahaha,
but i dont mind la, they are just kids and one day they will realise that whoever they like right now, they will regret it in future, haha, nasib baik yuyan x minat sape2, if he does like other people, i will korek eyeballs dia and bagi makan ikan kat belakang rumah dia. hahaha

actually, there were lotsa nightmare dekat sekolah tu,, tapi,, let bygone be bygone. tak guna jugak nak ungkit masa lampau, it was useless.. what i wanna hold tightly right now, is the feeling of lingering miss ive felt towards the school. sumpah rindu nak g makan kat kantin masa rehat, sambil2 tgok budak-budak (eheemmm ehhheeemm) terbatuk pulak i. hahahaha. sebenarnya, trick g makan masa budak rehat adalah trick paling lame, sebab munee and i just look for particular someone. hahaha, kalau xder someone tu,, mmg kitorg x g makan pom. mana lapar doe pagi2. hhahaha,, gurau je,, saje g makan time rehat sebab nak lepak ngan budak.. sonok kawan ngn budak2, sebab we oso can be budak2 jugak.. and jadi budak2 paling best sebab takyah pikir banyak.. so, that 30 mins is the only time yang we escaped all professionalism mindset and be a kid.

then, smart english. hahaha,, penat kot train budak walaupun i didnt train. but,, tumpang sekaki jer i ni. mane pandai choreograph kot, marah pandailah. tapi,, yang paling kelakar dekat smart english were when tgok uwais najmi and dzulfan buat benda mengarut. sumpah nak campak diorang keluar tingkap! tapi thats what makes us smile. diorang tu punye gila,, sumpah lawak.. hahahahaha. ada sekali tu diorang buat hiptrust yang ntah pape,, gerammmmnyee!! najmi tu suka gelak ngn lawak bodoh.. ntah pape. n bila dia gelak,, dzulfan pom ikot gelak.. sumpah dua orang ni macam belangkas.. tapi okaylah dzulfan baik dengan najmi daripada si wwwwwwwaaaaaaaachhcooommm.. ahh terbersin pulak. pastu kan,, suka tgok diorang gelak dekat sorang budak yang x pandai nari tu.. hahahaha.. jahat gila 2 orang ni.. tapi,, i understand la because i kennot dance. budak tu dah buat terbaik,, tapi tu bukan expertise dia.. so,,i dont want to laugh too,, tapi kekadang kelakar jugak bila tgok dia try too hard. and si najmi ni selalu komplain psal dia. sumpah x baik.. ahhahaha (kite tumpang sekaki jek gelak kat belakang)

lagiiiii~~ huh! malaslah nak tulis panjang2.. nak g jemur baju jap. dah nak kol sebelas. entry lain i will talk about our new family.. :)

but before, lets see my sweethearts!

si baby yang nakal lagi buas lagi nakal lagi bias lagi lagi dan banyak lagi!! :p

si budak manja pastu x nak ngaku manja. haha, pastu bila marah dia merajuk pastu duduk sorang2. aigoo comel

the comel yang mmg x suka ngaku salah pastu bila dia bersalah dia selalu cakap 'huh?' pastu buat muka x bersalah.
sama macam abang dia!

SAAALLLMAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!

the sweetheart. the dictator one. the eldest. the sweetest. the mengadewest, the suka cari salah orangest. the xnak ngaku salahest. ^^

ACTION SONG COMPANY!!~~ 

my sick soul

I lost my soul tonight. It flies to find the pieces of memories and shattering heart that has been missing those people who have brought silver lining when the cloud darkened. It hurts so much I wish I could just turn back times just to be with you guys again. I realized the previous events were not in my favour but they were all bearable rather than losing you guys from my life. I am missing every pieces of us…every piece…each and every one…

Please, don’t let me be tired of waiting…

UNTHINKABLE PRACTICUM

Lotsa bullshit I have been gone through this 3^rd practicum. Some of them were unthinkable for me! OMGGG!!

This is the first time I feel like I want to give up upon my life. I hate to be there so much I wish the school would be crushed by Akatsuki or Kakashi senpai should just shoot him with his sharingan. You know, I don’t care at all to do lotsa work, days and nights but please…what I hate the most is the mentality of some people which I could not tolerate at all!!

The kids in my class, they dare to not listen to me during T&L and expect me to be okay. Like **^&%!@#$%^)(*$#%YG#$!!!!! If you don’t wanna study then just go home, don’t even come to school! They even dare to scratch my car!!! I don’t know what kind of monster who have enough foolish gut to do it to their teacher. I mean if you don’t wanna learn, then up to you but don’t disturb my class!!

My hatred towards them are never-ending. I don’t know how I can survive for another two weeks. I don’t even wanna go there, pls…….. plssss….plsssssssss

I also got many hints of hatred from the teacher especially the tututututututttt one. It’s true what they said. THE MORE YOU HAVE THE MORE YOU ACT. Act what? Act like they are the most perfect person in the world and everybody else are just some nullduutt that they can step onto anytime. This is the first school that I don’t even wanna give any single doomoo about what will happen to me. I know I don’t socialize with them, but if I did, I will become more and more popular to be fried by their mouths.

Hey, people! Please la.. if you guys nak ngumpat me pom, do it when I cant hear you or just say it on my freakin face. What, you think if im English teacher then I don’t understand Malay? Motherdook. I also live in Terengganu so please laaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Sebab anda-anda la, tudung aku pakai macam ape singkat sekarang. Sebab kau lah aku x rasa aku nak buat baik langsung sebab xde guna aku nak buat baik sebab ko mmg akan bahan aku macam aku ni cockroaches kan? Yes! Sebab orang-orang yang macam ni aku daripada yang rasa nak buat baik, jadi x nak buat baik langsung. Yes! I AM A REBELIOUS PERSON!!!

Aku memang sakit hati gile ngn jenis orang yang macam ni. SUMPAH. Semua benda yang aku buat xde kaitan ngn kau pom, so ko tak payah nak sibuk ngumpat sat aku. )(&^%!@#$%^&*(.. Tau agama saja je, tapi x amalkan. Ko patut baca surah Baqarah banyak2.. semoga ko menjadi orang yang lebih baik dari semalam,, bukan lagi teruk dari semalam. If kau lagi teruk, kau sama macam mereka yang makan rumput di padang. Eh, aku x baca translate Quran, aku sure ko hafal kan… so… hayatilah benda tuuuuu..

Aku just nak buat kerja aku, ko faham x? aku banyak keje. Aku banyak assignment, aku banyak benda kene fikir. Mungkin lebih banyak dari kau. So, ko boleh x jangan nak pressure aku? It is my life, you know nothing about it so pleaseee… just shut your hole. I don’t wanna know about the stink you’ve made. I know you’ve eaten my bloody meat everyday, but please… do it by yourself. Eat until you’re satisfied. But now please…. LEAVE.ME.ALONE.

And the kids, please stop saying about BOYFRIEND or MARRIED or whatever shoooerrttt you wanna spurted about. If you guys wanna marry, then go ahead. Like I vud give a pupiasdadue. I don’t have any time to think about any men or spend my time chatting or messaging or calling anyone. Hello, I didn’t even call my mom,, so… who the feer need man? I can live alone, okay?

I have enough prob.. I’ve disgusted by some of them.. so please……..

complicated

It’s 3.02 a.m and I’m feeling complicated right now. Everything inside me is not doing right, twisted and knotted and I found no way to make it feel any better right freakin now.

The problem is I don’t even know what my problem is.. it’s just…everything feels complicated I wanna rest and let a rush of coldness slaps my face hard to free me from the war of throttle inside me right now.

I wish I could erase some part of myself that make my living hard but I know I cant, I cant escape myself from my own bullshit no matter how hard I want it to be. How to make it better when I know I cant even escape this crap?

I don’t know…

I don’t know what I should do right now…

I want to stop this, but I cant find myself a way out.

No, I lie.

I lie. I freaking lie.

I know what’s wrong with me. I want to twist my fate, to rewrite my history, to make it a way better than what and who I am right now. I don’t like who I am right now. I really don’t like it, in fact I hate it. I hate who I am right now. I want a different me. I want a different history of mine. I know I sound like a freaking ungrateful shellhead who isn’t worth a penny to live but yeah, I still wanna be a mermaid who exchange her voice for her tail although I absolutely realize the mermaid would turn into useless bubbles in the end. At least the mermaid no longer has to bear the burden of her heart, right? 

carpe diem of Latin aphorism

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati. seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam, quae nunc oppositis debilitat pumicibus mare Tyrrhenum. Sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida carpe diem, quam minimum crebula postero.

Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods have given me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
numerology either. How much better it is to endure whatever will be!
Whether Jupiter has allotted you many more winters or this one,
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the opposing rocks, is the final one
be wise, be truthful, strain the wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled:
seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next day.