my sick soul

I lost my soul tonight. It flies to find the pieces of memories and shattering heart that has been missing those people who have brought silver lining when the cloud darkened. It hurts so much I wish I could just turn back times just to be with you guys again. I realized the previous events were not in my favour but they were all bearable rather than losing you guys from my life. I am missing every pieces of us…every piece…each and every one…

Please, don’t let me be tired of waiting…

UNTHINKABLE PRACTICUM

Lotsa bullshit I have been gone through this 3^rd practicum. Some of them were unthinkable for me! OMGGG!!

This is the first time I feel like I want to give up upon my life. I hate to be there so much I wish the school would be crushed by Akatsuki or Kakashi senpai should just shoot him with his sharingan. You know, I don’t care at all to do lotsa work, days and nights but please…what I hate the most is the mentality of some people which I could not tolerate at all!!

The kids in my class, they dare to not listen to me during T&L and expect me to be okay. Like **^&%!@#$%^)(*$#%YG#$!!!!! If you don’t wanna study then just go home, don’t even come to school! They even dare to scratch my car!!! I don’t know what kind of monster who have enough foolish gut to do it to their teacher. I mean if you don’t wanna learn, then up to you but don’t disturb my class!!

My hatred towards them are never-ending. I don’t know how I can survive for another two weeks. I don’t even wanna go there, pls…….. plssss….plsssssssss

I also got many hints of hatred from the teacher especially the tututututututttt one. It’s true what they said. THE MORE YOU HAVE THE MORE YOU ACT. Act what? Act like they are the most perfect person in the world and everybody else are just some nullduutt that they can step onto anytime. This is the first school that I don’t even wanna give any single doomoo about what will happen to me. I know I don’t socialize with them, but if I did, I will become more and more popular to be fried by their mouths.

Hey, people! Please la.. if you guys nak ngumpat me pom, do it when I cant hear you or just say it on my freakin face. What, you think if im English teacher then I don’t understand Malay? Motherdook. I also live in Terengganu so please laaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Sebab anda-anda la, tudung aku pakai macam ape singkat sekarang. Sebab kau lah aku x rasa aku nak buat baik langsung sebab xde guna aku nak buat baik sebab ko mmg akan bahan aku macam aku ni cockroaches kan? Yes! Sebab orang-orang yang macam ni aku daripada yang rasa nak buat baik, jadi x nak buat baik langsung. Yes! I AM A REBELIOUS PERSON!!!

Aku memang sakit hati gile ngn jenis orang yang macam ni. SUMPAH. Semua benda yang aku buat xde kaitan ngn kau pom, so ko tak payah nak sibuk ngumpat sat aku. )(&^%!@#$%^&*(.. Tau agama saja je, tapi x amalkan. Ko patut baca surah Baqarah banyak2.. semoga ko menjadi orang yang lebih baik dari semalam,, bukan lagi teruk dari semalam. If kau lagi teruk, kau sama macam mereka yang makan rumput di padang. Eh, aku x baca translate Quran, aku sure ko hafal kan… so… hayatilah benda tuuuuu..

Aku just nak buat kerja aku, ko faham x? aku banyak keje. Aku banyak assignment, aku banyak benda kene fikir. Mungkin lebih banyak dari kau. So, ko boleh x jangan nak pressure aku? It is my life, you know nothing about it so pleaseee… just shut your hole. I don’t wanna know about the stink you’ve made. I know you’ve eaten my bloody meat everyday, but please… do it by yourself. Eat until you’re satisfied. But now please…. LEAVE.ME.ALONE.

And the kids, please stop saying about BOYFRIEND or MARRIED or whatever shoooerrttt you wanna spurted about. If you guys wanna marry, then go ahead. Like I vud give a pupiasdadue. I don’t have any time to think about any men or spend my time chatting or messaging or calling anyone. Hello, I didn’t even call my mom,, so… who the feer need man? I can live alone, okay?

I have enough prob.. I’ve disgusted by some of them.. so please……..

complicated

It’s 3.02 a.m and I’m feeling complicated right now. Everything inside me is not doing right, twisted and knotted and I found no way to make it feel any better right freakin now.

The problem is I don’t even know what my problem is.. it’s just…everything feels complicated I wanna rest and let a rush of coldness slaps my face hard to free me from the war of throttle inside me right now.

I wish I could erase some part of myself that make my living hard but I know I cant, I cant escape myself from my own bullshit no matter how hard I want it to be. How to make it better when I know I cant even escape this crap?

I don’t know…

I don’t know what I should do right now…

I want to stop this, but I cant find myself a way out.

No, I lie.

I lie. I freaking lie.

I know what’s wrong with me. I want to twist my fate, to rewrite my history, to make it a way better than what and who I am right now. I don’t like who I am right now. I really don’t like it, in fact I hate it. I hate who I am right now. I want a different me. I want a different history of mine. I know I sound like a freaking ungrateful shellhead who isn’t worth a penny to live but yeah, I still wanna be a mermaid who exchange her voice for her tail although I absolutely realize the mermaid would turn into useless bubbles in the end. At least the mermaid no longer has to bear the burden of her heart, right? 

carpe diem of Latin aphorism

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati. seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam, quae nunc oppositis debilitat pumicibus mare Tyrrhenum. Sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida carpe diem, quam minimum crebula postero.

Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods have given me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
numerology either. How much better it is to endure whatever will be!
Whether Jupiter has allotted you many more winters or this one,
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the opposing rocks, is the final one
be wise, be truthful, strain the wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled:
seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next day.

i am different

In this expensive world today,

Everyone seems to have price, to have pride,

The sole earth is exclusively ridden,

By those who have big power and little kindness.

In this liverish world today,

I am being watched with hatred and prejudice,

Just because I am a bit different,

Their eyes will shoot blade and fire till I perish.

In this chauvinism world,

Just because I don’t seem to do what they do, watch what they watch, hear what they hear,

Full of ironic hatred is being thrown,

Just because I’m living a bit difference.

In this punishing world,

In every kindness I’ve portrayed, in every sympathy I’ve shown,

Proof to be made on paper, signed by those big-headed dick,

Just because they’re powerful and I’m powerless.

In this shallow-minded world,

The crowd, the groups of mature talk about their spouse, their future, their own drawn and made forthcoming,

Just because I drag my feet away from those useless conversation,

I’m being thrown by the shit they made,

Why? Just because I run away from the hopeless habit.

Do you ever know why I’m different?

Just because I hate your impractical act and pompous entertainment,

You said I’m digging my own grace.

You said I’m dragging my own feet into the hell you made.

Do you ever know why I’m different?

Just because I show kindness and being thoughtful about the others,

You said I’m lying.

You said I’m doing it for myself.

Are you dumb?

Are you fucking dumb?

Just because I curse and said fuck you in front of your face,

It doesn’t show the inner heart being made.

Just because they went to worship God,

It doesn’t mean their heart is cleaned.

Do you know why I’ve made mistake?

Because it reminds me that human can never be perfect,

Because it reminds me that every mistakes can be fixed,

Because it reminds me how to forgive.

Do you know why I hate the one who act like they are so freakin nice and religious?

Because in their heart, they consumes hatred to those who are not like them.

Because in their heart, they think they are above others.

Because in their heart, they are perfect.

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong for being indifferent from you?

Am I regret it?

Hell no.

Because I wanna live the life full of mistake,

So that when time passes, I could tell myself, ‘ahh, the mistakes make me what I am today.’

long-lost greeting.

Hey bloggie…

 I just realized I haven’t visited and written much right. Almost a year I abandoned you? Hurm,, more or less. I couldn’t care.

I just wanna greet you. I dint have much mood to write nor to say anything else. I’ll meet you again, okay?

I love you bloggie.. miss you too.. I miss writing you.. JJJ

The Pain is Nothing...

I have realised that the pain I've tasted these days is nothing compared to the pain that everybody's else felt.

I know I'm not grateful enough for the life I live now, but I will try harder.

I will put my effort on things that I've should done and things are not. 

I will take example from people who have suffered enough to taste victory in the end.

Rome is not built in one day, so yeah~

Thanks to those who make me realised that nothing is easy.

Pain today is for Success tomorrow.

~VITA DOLCE,MODERATO~

Keep climbing and you will reach your goal.. :)