All I could do is sigh

Funny when people can pinpoint your weaknesses but try to hide theirs well in the hidden treasure box.

You don't need to actually say this person is bad, tell the whole world what you know about someone, pinpoint all the things that you think you can embarrass someone else in front of others...jut because you don't like him/her...just because you think the person doesn't deserve of anything better than you.

People also have their own limit of patience in anything. How far do you think you need to provoke someone?
Just because you think you are better.
or...
Maybe because you think he/she needs to be taught a lesson for hurting you.
or...
Maybe because you are jealous of what he/she has that you didn't have and you are dying to have the things he/she has because you feel that he/she doesn't deserve that luxury.

Do not think that when people keep their mouth silence, they are too stupid to realise what you have done to him/her.
Do not think that when people ignore your wrongdoings towards them, you think they are just another fools that you can keep fooling and step onto.

Maybe you don't know, they are just tired of your bullshit.
or maybe, you are still meant something, even though you are shitting them.

Do you really need to hurt them? Just to get to your on vendetta?
Does it really worth it?

Please...stop everything..of this

So What?

EDU3093: Teachers and current issues. Lecturer: Mr.Md Nordin. Date: 24/06/2015

A day to remember. Yeah, that’s what I wanna say about my class today. It has been a while since I found a meaning, a satisfaction to be in a class. And gladly, in his class, I found the light that somehow makes my path illuminated. Before, science class with Madam Mahani, I also found myself happy to be in her lecture. Why? What is the similarity between these two great lecturers?

The answer is: they make you think.

Yeah. That is my honest answer. In Madam Mahani, she always forced us to think the unthinkable, pushed us to go beyond our comfort zone. I love it damn much when my brain is forced to think what I couldn’t try before. At least, my brain is working in her class, unlike others when you are just given input, input, input and that’s all thank you type of class.

The same goes with Mr.Md Nordin class. The way he explains things, it makes me reflect back of my own practical teaching and the way I conduct my life as a teacher. He just uses a simple method, ‘SO WHAT?’ formula. When he out of nowhere asked the question, instantly it knocked my down to my gut. ‘So What?’ Wow…I just can’t believe how strong the blow is.

Maybe for others, it is simply just another question that can be left unanswered. However for me, it makes me feel like a coward if I can’t answer that simple Q.

Before, I always questioned myself of why my students didn’t show any interest in my lesson. I said ‘they didn’t care enough of me, my teaching.’

SO WHAT?

I asked myself as I reflected back the situation.

So what? So what if they didn’t give a rat’s ass of me? Is that their fault? Or the fault is actually mine?

I said ‘I don’t know anymore how to teach them.’

So what? So what if they misbehaved? Am I gonna give up? Am I gonna change my profession? Am I going to ignore them as they ignore me?

Then…

SH*T!!!!

I am a trash. It’s my fault. I didn’t try enough.

That’s the answer of the ‘so whats’.

*sigh*

See? Before ‘so what’ happens, I always blame the students for my mistake. I thought that I had tried hard but I realized it’s not enough. Why am I always blame them, despise them whereby I couldn’t even accept that I have done wrong. Oh god, my ego is sure as big as the Mount Everest.

So, this so what has somehow changed me a bit, I believe.

Mr. Nordin also said about ‘Go Beyond’ in everything we’ve done. What does he mean is, we do not need to be ‘overboard’ or ‘pushover’, instead, we just need to do a little bit more effort to little things that we might have missed. For instance, just ask your students whether they are sleepy or their condition.

In my class, I have always focused on certain people that I think they have potential to go further if they tried a.k.a budak-budak yang memang dah pandai so called. But I seldom put myself in a place of the other ordinary kids where they need my attention too. I forget that they also need to be shown this little effort so that their motivation can be boost. I forgot that once upon a time, I was that little ‘average girl’, tiny little human who scared enough to try to do anything because I thought everybody else was better than me and I am just a little cockroach who nobody would give any single d**n about me.

So, if anybody would ever read this entry, I would like you to ask yourself this four Qs before you do anything.

1. WHAT IS?

2. WHY?

3. HOW TO?

4. SO WHAT?

I hereby admit my mistakes that I have done before. I am not a good teacher yet. No, I am not.  

Power of Reflection, you say?

While in my EDU class this afternoon, I was introduced to a blog- a blog of ex-IPGians. I didn’t manage to read what he has written in his blog, but my eyes caught a very interesting phrase : Power of Reflection. It knocked something inside me and I have decided to write something in my own blog to…you know, to do a little bit reflection of my life so far. Actually, I have been trying to write, I have left my keyboard like a year ago, because of something. I have tried to persuade myself to keep writing, but I didn’t manage to find the courage to do so. Like always, I run away from it. Typical of me- a coward.

So, now, I have made up my mind. I promise I would write- to do a bit of reflection of my daily life so I could keep myself in check. You know I have no one that I could call ‘soul friend’, ‘half-sister’ they say. I have none, so, I hereby want this blog to be something that helps me improving myself, in hope that future will be a little brighten by the mistakes I recognize.

It is already 2.36 a.m. now. I need to iron the Baju Kurung or watch Naruto. I don’t know.

See you again tomorrow.

Lotsalove…

....

It is not easy for me.
Everything has been hard, too hard actually.
Every day, my opened eyes see you.
Every night, my sleepy mind visualises you.
It has been hard, for I knew it all along, having bonded will somehow hurt.
But I still continue, continue being hard-headed.
I'm ignoring my conscious mind.
I'm following my ruthless heart.
Because I want to miss you.
Because I dont wanna allow you to be swept away by time.
And now...what i've afraid the most, my worst nightmare has shown its sting.
Hahahahahahaha.
Now i can just laugh for my own stupidness.
What am i expecting...
How can I be so stupid?
You have your own life.
You have your own way.
I have no position in interfering your way.
I know that.
But I dont know why it hurts.
Maybe because you throw me away...just because you have someone else with you there..