complicated

It’s 3.02 a.m and I’m feeling complicated right now. Everything inside me is not doing right, twisted and knotted and I found no way to make it feel any better right freakin now.

The problem is I don’t even know what my problem is.. it’s just…everything feels complicated I wanna rest and let a rush of coldness slaps my face hard to free me from the war of throttle inside me right now.

I wish I could erase some part of myself that make my living hard but I know I cant, I cant escape myself from my own bullshit no matter how hard I want it to be. How to make it better when I know I cant even escape this crap?

I don’t know…

I don’t know what I should do right now…

I want to stop this, but I cant find myself a way out.

No, I lie.

I lie. I freaking lie.

I know what’s wrong with me. I want to twist my fate, to rewrite my history, to make it a way better than what and who I am right now. I don’t like who I am right now. I really don’t like it, in fact I hate it. I hate who I am right now. I want a different me. I want a different history of mine. I know I sound like a freaking ungrateful shellhead who isn’t worth a penny to live but yeah, I still wanna be a mermaid who exchange her voice for her tail although I absolutely realize the mermaid would turn into useless bubbles in the end. At least the mermaid no longer has to bear the burden of her heart, right? 

carpe diem of Latin aphorism

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati. seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam, quae nunc oppositis debilitat pumicibus mare Tyrrhenum. Sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida carpe diem, quam minimum crebula postero.

Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods have given me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
numerology either. How much better it is to endure whatever will be!
Whether Jupiter has allotted you many more winters or this one,
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the opposing rocks, is the final one
be wise, be truthful, strain the wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled:
seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next day.

i am different

In this expensive world today,

Everyone seems to have price, to have pride,

The sole earth is exclusively ridden,

By those who have big power and little kindness.

In this liverish world today,

I am being watched with hatred and prejudice,

Just because I am a bit different,

Their eyes will shoot blade and fire till I perish.

In this chauvinism world,

Just because I don’t seem to do what they do, watch what they watch, hear what they hear,

Full of ironic hatred is being thrown,

Just because I’m living a bit difference.

In this punishing world,

In every kindness I’ve portrayed, in every sympathy I’ve shown,

Proof to be made on paper, signed by those big-headed dick,

Just because they’re powerful and I’m powerless.

In this shallow-minded world,

The crowd, the groups of mature talk about their spouse, their future, their own drawn and made forthcoming,

Just because I drag my feet away from those useless conversation,

I’m being thrown by the shit they made,

Why? Just because I run away from the hopeless habit.

Do you ever know why I’m different?

Just because I hate your impractical act and pompous entertainment,

You said I’m digging my own grace.

You said I’m dragging my own feet into the hell you made.

Do you ever know why I’m different?

Just because I show kindness and being thoughtful about the others,

You said I’m lying.

You said I’m doing it for myself.

Are you dumb?

Are you fucking dumb?

Just because I curse and said fuck you in front of your face,

It doesn’t show the inner heart being made.

Just because they went to worship God,

It doesn’t mean their heart is cleaned.

Do you know why I’ve made mistake?

Because it reminds me that human can never be perfect,

Because it reminds me that every mistakes can be fixed,

Because it reminds me how to forgive.

Do you know why I hate the one who act like they are so freakin nice and religious?

Because in their heart, they consumes hatred to those who are not like them.

Because in their heart, they think they are above others.

Because in their heart, they are perfect.

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong for being indifferent from you?

Am I regret it?

Hell no.

Because I wanna live the life full of mistake,

So that when time passes, I could tell myself, ‘ahh, the mistakes make me what I am today.’

long-lost greeting.

Hey bloggie…

 I just realized I haven’t visited and written much right. Almost a year I abandoned you? Hurm,, more or less. I couldn’t care.

I just wanna greet you. I dint have much mood to write nor to say anything else. I’ll meet you again, okay?

I love you bloggie.. miss you too.. I miss writing you.. JJJ

The Pain is Nothing...

I have realised that the pain I've tasted these days is nothing compared to the pain that everybody's else felt.

I know I'm not grateful enough for the life I live now, but I will try harder.

I will put my effort on things that I've should done and things are not. 

I will take example from people who have suffered enough to taste victory in the end.

Rome is not built in one day, so yeah~

Thanks to those who make me realised that nothing is easy.

Pain today is for Success tomorrow.

~VITA DOLCE,MODERATO~

Keep climbing and you will reach your goal.. :)

TALKING is not my cup of tea...

What to do? It seems like I’m in big trouble these days. HAHA~

Why did I say so? It is because I seem to be lonely by my own. Blueh~ is that a problem too? *faint*

This is me. This is what I am. I don’t like talking to people who I do not comfortable with. To me, I would better shut my mouth up rather than acting. People say I am very friendly, easy go lucky, and the type of person who can be put anywhere on the earth. However, you are all wrong. You might seem that I can talk very well with elders, I speak with manner to those who are older than me, but you don’t know my heart.

Aaaaa~ really...... It’s TROUBLESOME!!

People say I can join the elders very well. That job is more difficult than sitting for examination, you know? I would rather lock myself for hours at library rather than talking. HAHAHA :)  

I also find myself very difficult to talk to those who I din close with. It feels like you are carrying tons of boulder on your shoulders. Well, I feel it that way.

SERIOUSLY, I CHOOSE BEING LONELY RATHER THAN BEING IN PUBLIC.

Hurm, but I hate eating alone. But, it’s okay, as long as I got music, books, or laptop in front of me. They can transform being humans for me anytime I want. KAHKAH :P

Ahhh~ God, please understand me. If I put my earphone on, I really wish you din talk to me. Of course I feel sorry to those, but ahhh..... what is the point of talking to me if I have no interested in?

People may see I talk very much, but, I did it just to please people. They would dislike those who are quiet, right? I do it to be like, to avoid awkwardness.

Well, I guess no matter what we like or dislike, we have to do it to please people right? :)

Buat je la dora wei... Tak luak mulut kalau cakap banyak pom. Tapi,,, kalau asyik nak puaskan hati orang, sampai bil eyh? HAHAHAHA~ entahlah kawe.

“B to the I BANG, B to the I BANG!!”

just my little thought....

Exam is around the kaki lima. Like usual, I don’t make much effort on studying as I hate one. I hate getting knowledge based on examination. You know what, after the exam finished, all the knowledge will be disappeared, just like doodle on the beach, being washed away by the sea. Examination is just like not my thing. Zzzz~ how I wish to study oversea. *angan-angan minah jenin*

Just so you know, I am having this complication with someone. I feel like getting myself away from her. I don’t feel comfortable as everything I did, annoyed her and everything she did, annoys me. I used to love her, but not anymore, after I knowing what she’d said about me. It’s not like I don’t love her, it’s just I don’t like her like I used to.

I have been asking something from My Lord, something that I need in order to improve and make myself better. I hope He will grant it, as I really need it. :) Help me Allah... Please, I am begging you, please make that wish becomes my first birthday present of my 21^st.